It’s been a long time since I’ve posted anything, so I say down for an interview with myself to catch up. Here is what we talked about.
Q: So Annamarie, it’s good to see you today. Thanks for making time for me.
A: We spend all of our time together so it really isn’t a problem.
Q: It’s been two months since you’ve posted on your blog. That is a long time, even for you. What happened there?
A: Well Annamarie, the answer is both simple and complicated. I guess the most honest answer is I’ve been unavailable in every sense of the word. Emotionally, intellectually, literally unavailable because of my schedule—I’ve just generally been not here.
Q: Is this your way of saying you’ve been too depressed to write?
A: That’s part of it, sure. I have been pretty impressively depressed, but it’s been deeper than that. I was not sleeping enough and would regularly just check out from reality. I was working on NaNoWriMo (which I won!) and also working on getting everything together for grad school applications this month. I’ve been pretty preoccupied with trying to find meaning in an existence that is inherently meaningless and all of those things haven’t left me with much time for anything else.
Q: I see. Thank you for your candor. I know it’s hard having a tenuous grasp on reality. How has your search for meaning been going?
A: Not well, if I’m being honest. It just seems like there is no point to living. But there is also no point in dying. There is just no meaning in existence.
Q: That’s pretty heavy. You probably shouldn’t just casually makes comments like that for everyone to see. But at least you’ve got lots of great relationships with people, right?
A: Annamarie I’m going to be upfront with you it certainly does put a strain on your relationships when you haven’t slept in two days and are preoccupied with the meaninglessness of existence. There is also the whole long-standing superstition that we are incapable of maintaining friendships for longer than 12 months and the fact that we are generally not a likeable or interesting person and there you are. It’s no wonder no one wants to talk to us.
Q: I noticed we switched to using the collective first person in the middle of that paragraph.
A: It’s easier to talk about sad things if we’re not using the first person.
Q: True, lol.
Q: So if people don’t like when you talk about sad things, why don’t you just talk about happy things?
A: It isn’t that easy. The longer I go without talking about the sad things the more sad I feel until it feels like I’m going to explode with all the sad things inside of me that need to be let out but have nowhere to go because no one wants to listen to them.
Q: That sounds hard.
Q: So tell the people about some of the fun things you’ve been doing in the last two months.
A: Wow, well I’ve definitely been busy. At the end of October I went to Osaka to return to Universal Studios Japan for their Harry Potter Halloween event. It was a blast. I bought too many Harry Potter things but it was worth it. The next week I went back down that way for a quick trip around Kyoto. It was beautiful with all the fall colors. In November we had out Skills Development Conference which wasn’t all that fun but happened anyway. I was also interviewed by Tofugu on how to celebrate Thanksgiving in Japan. At the beginning of December I went to Tokyo Disneyland and DisneySea which was fun! We got to see all of their fun Christmas stuffs and eat too much sugar.
Q: Dude that is a lot of travelling.
A: Yeah bro I am so tired I keep falling asleep on my desk.
Q: So I have to ask… grad school?
Q: I know I know but the people want to hear that you’re doing something productive with your life.
A: I’m applying to four literature programs: two in Arizona and two abroad. I’m not sure if any of them will accept me, but I’m doing what I can to send out the best applications possible. I had originally intended to have all my applications finished in November but that was a stupid dream when I was working on NaNo. Now my goal is to have everything done by the start of January, which I think I am on track for. I’m working on overhauling my writing sample and trying to write personal statements that don’t make me cringe.
Q: What a happens if none of them accept you?
A: That’s a rude question to ask I’m pretty sure I’m qualified for at least one of them.
Q: What about creative writing?
A: Right. I still want to write. I still need to write. I need to write and will hopefully be able to think about sending stuff out someday, but right now I just don’t have the confidence in anything that I do to be able to commit to writing on any deeper level. I have to admit I’m just not very good at writing.
Q: But you’re not very good at remembering things like literary movements and historical events either so what makes you think studying literature will go any better?
A: I’m just not going to think about that, thanks. Besides, I’m great at making things up as I go along.
Q: You know you’re pretty shit at expressing your emotions.
A: Wow that was pretty critical of you out of no where.
Q: It’s just that people think you don’t enjoy things because you enjoy them quietly and people also think you don’t take things seriously because you joke about the things you care about.
A: This is a blog post not a therapy session. Let’s reel it in there, Annamarie.
Q: What do you feel like saying right now?
A: Send help I’m not qualified for anything and will never be successful and will die alone and with no friends.
Q: That seems reasonable.
A: I thought so.
Q: Well now you’re panicking about applications and the meaninglessness of existence again, aren’t you?
Q: Alright so let’s bring it back down a bit. Why did you decided on this format for your return to the blog?
A: Well I’ve been trying to find a way to write this post for about a week now, but just writing it out straight never went well. Then I tried just writing about something else entirely but I always ended up back at existence and meaninglessness. Then this morning I thought, hey, it would be a fun and quirky way to talk about these things if I formatted it like an interview with myself.
Q: It also makes you feel like you’re talking about this with someone else, right?
A: Definitely, although having a long conversation with myself is maybe not the healthiest thing? I don’t know I’m not a scientist.
Q: What are your plans for winter vacation?
A: My number one plan is to spend time alone in my apartment. I’ve been going 6-7 days a week for months now and I really just want to spend some time not having to see people. I also desperately need to clean and finish my applications. Please let me rest during winter vacation. I really just want to sleep.
Q: Can we expect more blog posts from you now?
A: Probably. Overall I’m moving in the right direction, so I’ll try to post more again.
Q: I think that’s all we have time for. Any parting words?
A: My life has basically been a perpetual garbage fire for the last few months and I’m doing the best that I can. Any time you want to send me motivational things please do. Life is scary. I’m so tired. There is never enough cake.
There you have it, folks. Annamarie is back to blogging after a two month haitus. Let’s wish her luck over the next month as she tries to apply for grad school and hopefully gets to take a nap.