This is not a happy post, but it is an honest one, and there is no use in me pretending to be someone I am not.
I just wrote a lengthy draft whining about how impossible it is to balance all of the responsibilities that are placed on me and I place on myself, but I threw it away because it felt too juvenile and emotionally dishonest. The truth is it is easier to yell about having too much to do than admit that I feel so incredibly inadequate because I can’t get everything done. I can’t do it, and I hate myself for not being able to. I can’t balance losing weight (something which takes all of my time and energy and yet my doctor still condescendingly asked me if I’m “really trying”), being good at my job, being helpful to other people at my job, cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, paying bills, filing my taxes (it’s June and I haven’t done anything yet please don’t arrest me), studying Japanese, looking for grad programs, writing, reading, volunteering, having a social life, and taking time for myself. I just can’t do it, and I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.
I look around me and I see so many people with clean apartments, happy bosses, and taxes filed on time, and I just wonder how do they do it? How are people so much more productive than I am? Is it truly possible to balance all the areas of your life that need your attention?
Do people actually enjoy their lives, or do we just pretend to enjoy living because the only other option is dying?
I have no answers. I’m struggling, and I feel like by admitting that I’ve already lost. I just want to drink and color in my adult coloring book, but alcohol has too many calories and if I don’t have time to sleep I shouldn’t waste time coloring.
I’m sorry I don’t have a motivational ending for you on this post, but you can just add it to the list of things I haven’t done properly.