What are your plans for the future?


Me as a cat.


It happened again last night.

At this point it’s a reoccurring joke in the sitcom of my life but instead of being accompanied by the laugh track it gets general sounds of displeasure from the studio audience and a close-up of my best distraught face.

I was asked what I’m going to do with my life.

My lack of future plans is something I’ve written about before, but I’ve decided it’s time for me to compile a list of responses that I can call on in any emergency “What are your plans for the future?” situation because my current response of sigh and meaningful stare into the middle distance is not going over well.

So without further melodrama on my part, here is my list of Things I Plan to Do with My Future:

  • Go to graduate school for TEFL and keep teaching English in other countries until I finally admit that I’m not a good teacher and quit to become an angry substitute all the students hate
  • Return to performance art and take my eating cake in my underwear piece on the road
  • Become a fast food critic and travel the world comparing junk food until I have a heart attack and die in my 30s
  • Fashion designer for guinea pigs
  • Fashion designer for humans with matching outfits for guinea pigs
  • Professional cat
  • Admit that I have no real skills or talents and that there is no point in even trying to do anything meaningful with my future
  • Start a blog for black and white pictures of disenfranchised and disillusioned trees
  • Try my hand at actually making the imaginary cooking show I pretend to run as I cook by myself in my apartment called “Healthy…ish”
  • Bird dancing (inspired by my performance art piece in college “I’m Flying Away From Your Bullshit”)
  • Start a Rent-A-Friend business
  • Motivational speaker for other 20somethings with no plans for the future
  • Scarf and hat model
  • Go into politics
  • Just lie on the fucking ground and see what happens
  • Meme museum curator
  • Professor of Fanfiction Studies
  • Be absorbed into the void until I feel nothing, see nothing, literally am nothing other than another faceless mass with unoriginal thoughts and opinions
  • Something with eggplant (This response is based on a rather loose interpretation of the “What are your plans for the future?” question in which I assume they want to know what I’m making for dinner tonight, which is, in fact, a plan for the future.)

I’m going to print out this list and bring it with me so that I am always prepared to discuss what I’m going to do with my life. It’s such a relief to finally make more concrete plans.

What are your plans for the future? What do you think I should do with my future? Do you also struggle with the concept of “future” and the passage of time in general? Let me know in a comment. Thanks.





2 thoughts on “What are your plans for the future?

  1. This list is brilliant. I definitely think you need to help out those disenfranchised trees. But you’re also doing an excellent job blogging, and writing in general, and I hope your future plans somehow incorporate your wit. If nothing else, trees could use a stand-up comedian to brighten their days. I also struggle with “future plan” because people give me strange looks when I say I want to become a writer, then pat me on the back and give me a cigarette. I’m hoping I can marry into royalty, but not many monarchs are interested in a bookish Welshman with a protein deficiency. Liechtenstein looks promising, maybe.

    Liked by 1 person

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