The other day I was filling my water bottle to bring back to my desk and another teacher asked me if I ever drink coffee. At first it seemed like a ridiculous question because I am convinced that the fluids in my body are at least 40% coffee (and 25% alcohol) and I have coffee breath like 90% of the time. Then the teacher went on to say that they always see me drinking water, and I realized that from their perspective I AM always drinking water because I cart my coffee in and out with me (I can’t handle leaving its side, its a very codependent relationship) so when I get up to get a drink it is always water. I know that I am drinking coffee frequently, but to the rest of the staffroom I am a healthy water drinker who isn’t reliant on caffeine to function like most other teachers.
It made me think about how many things that I see as the clear truth are actually more complicated. Maybe the way I see my life when I’m sitting in my cave-like apartment worrying that I don’t have a future is only the part of the story that I get to see for now.
Recently I feel my awareness of self shifting away from “I’ve had a long and difficult 23 years on this Earth” to “I am so young that I have no experience and no idea what I’m doing.” Because I am young. And because I am young I have no way of conceptualizing a future for myself. I don’t see a future for myself because all I’ve done up to this point is live.
I don’t have any answers. I’ve been in Japan for 6 months now and if anything I know less than when I arrived.
But maybe that’s just the part of the story that I see right now. Maybe soon life will tell me that it also gets caffeine withdrawal headaches if it doesn’t get coffee in the morning. What do I know?